Saturday morning gift

This has been a very long, very hot (to this 53 year old female) summer, and I am OH, SO ready for fall.  Can I get an amen?  Can I get a witness??

At any rate, we were given a lovely gift this morning.  A beautiful, glorious morning with very low humidity, and temps in the 60s.  I got a little tingly just typing those words!  This truly is a noteworthy day, after so many sticky, oppressive, un-noteworthy days have come and gone.

So I got myself together this morning and headed out for a walk.  I love to walk when the weather is cool.  Heck, I love to walk when the weather is downright cold.  I just can't abide it when the humidity hits 70% or more and sweat is dripping off my appendages.  Again, just why is it that we live in Memphis, Tennessee?  Oh yeah, my husband reminds me...the barbecue.

I headed out on one of my favorite routes.  With my back and leg issues, I am so much slower than I used to be, even though I never was what you would call a Speed Walker.  But hey...even a turtle eventually crosses the road.  If he doesn't get run over in the process. 

If I am very fortunate, I can time my walk when all the neighborhood dogs are outside in their yards.  And wouldn't your know it, such was my fortune today.  I got serenaded all along my route.  There is one particular area that cracks me up because it's a concentration of different breeds and sizes of pooches.  First I come upon a medium sized dog who sets off the alarm that someone is encroaching upon their territory.  Then, there are a couple of little yappers in the next yard who pick up the battle cry.  Finally, this BIG dog with a deep booming voice will bark once or twice.  He's not really into it that much, but will play along just because he knows they all expect him to.  Doggie peer pressure is alive and well, folks.  Reminds me of the song "Daddy sang bass, mama sang tenor, me and little brother would join right in there........" and never fails to put a smile on my face.  Even when the day isn't as picture perfect as today. 

But today?  Today the smile was there already. 

My couch companion

It's a pillow.

It's a pet.

It's a pillow pet.

That's all.

Time for an update

I know, I know, it's actually way past time.  I've been putting it off, hoping for some better news to emerge on the back/leg situation, but unfortunately, I seem to be continuing with the "three steps forward/two steps back" form of recovery.  And the steps are not very big.  It is quite discouraging, and I have to admit, I sort of swing between a determined grit-my-teeth hopefulness that, "by-God, I'm going to get through this and to the other side if it kills me", and a "woe is me; I wish I'd never had the surgery; this is as good as it's ever going to get; I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this" and on and on ad nauseum.  And all shades of emotion in between.  Poor Steve.

To recap, I had two-level spinal fusion on 4/15/13.  Had complications during surgery in that the dura was nicked, and spinal fluid leaked out during surgery.  Ended up staying an extra 4 days in the hospital flat on my back due to headaches from the spinal fluid leak.  Also, and most importantly, I woke up from surgery with pain radiating down my right leg.  This is significant.  I did not have the pain before surgery.  I remember lying in the hospital bed with no pain from the 5-inch incision in my back, but burning pain going down the back of my right leg.  This pain has not ceased since that time.  It has gotten worse, gotten better, but it has never gone away.

I attempted to return to work part-time the week of 6/20/13 but could not, due to the pain in my right leg.  Sitting makes it much, much worse.  I've had physical therapy.  I'm now on my second round of therapy and am trying a different approach -- myofascial release therapy.  It seems to be helping, but the leg pain is stubborn and seems to be stronger than even the myofascial therapy at this point.

My latest victory is that finally, after months of me begging him, my surgeon has agreed to order an MRI for me.  I haven't had one since before the surgery, and it is a logical next step diagnostic tool to figure out what is going on with me.  I am anxious to see what it will show.  The surgeon warns me that now that I have hardware, it probably will cast shadows and make it difficult to get a good, clear scan.   Oh well.....I figure at this point, a shadowy scan beats no information at all.  I am relieved and hopeful it will show something, anything, to explain this debilitating leg pain.  And I am fearful of what it might show to explain this debilitating leg pain.  I know that sounds crazy.  Welcome to my world.

And just because I want to leave you with a smile, here are a couple snaps of my babies.

Pain

So, I attempted to go back to work this week, for four hours a day.  But unfortunately, the pain in my right leg increased exponentially with that schedule to the point where I wasn't functioning at all, and I was unable to finish out the week.  It has been such a disappointment.  I have worked from the time I was 16 years old and, truthfully, have always taken it for granted.  Now, I find myself frustrated beyond words, and frightened to tears over the unknown aspects of this horrible pain.  Up to this point, no one has been able to tell me what exactly is causing it, how long I will have it, and what can fix it.  Or even how to manage the pain. 

None of my pain meds relieve this pain.  The only thing that helps is anti-inflammatories, which are forbidden until my fusion is deemed complete (usually about three months after surgery).  So I find myself between the proverbial rock and hard place ... the hardest place I've ever been. 

For now, I am back out on medical leave and waiting until my next follow-up appointment with my surgeon to, hopefully, get some updated information and set some sort of plan of action in place.  Words cannot express how grateful I am to my employer for their understanding and compassion for my situation and willingness to work with me.  But I know I have to be able to tell them something soon. 

Unrelenting pain is hard.  It erodes who you are, because it changes your focus and twists it completely around.  Things you have always cared about, things you want to care about, sort of fade to black in the white hot intensity of the pain.  Nothing else matters.  I don't like who I am in the grip of this pain.   I don't like that I have to make a conscious effort to care about something, anything else. 

I don't know how people live with this kind of pain for years, and I hope to God I never have to find out.

A funny

So Steve was driving me to the surgeon's office the other day to get my nerve block.  On the way, we go down this r-e-a-l-l-y nice road with massive houses on huge lots.  We always slip into smart-aleck mode when we go this way, saying things like, that's a nice little cottage, and Honey, I'm home, and so on.  Steve points out one particularly grand abode and I say, "Good Lord, it's got a TURRET!"

After a little pause, "What does one do in a turret?"

Steve's reply:  "Whatever you want to, I guess."

Indeed.

International Market

There is a huge international farmer's market not far from our house, the operative word being "huge."  It's been there for quite awhile now and I've never gone inside.  Finally, today I took the plunge.

It's quite something.  The produce section is massive.  There are all the "regular" fruits and veggies you would expect to see:  melons, many varieties of apples, a plethora of citrus fruits, greens, potatoes of every kind.  Take tomatoes, for example.  They had at least a half dozen varieties, including these -- red Romas, green, and orange on the vine.

But then, there were all the exotic fruits and vegetables!  These were some of the melons.  The signs say Hami, Gaya, Canary, and Korean melons.   

Here are some brown and white coconuts.  I've never cracked one open, but I've always heard how hard they are to open.  I think I'll stick to the finished product on this particular item, thanks just the same.  I don't think I have the upper body strength.

How about some sauteed cactus for supper tonight, with a side of mashed yuca?

Besides all the fresh produce, this store had fresh fish and seafood.  Really fresh.

There were tons of organic and gluten-free products, different types of flours and meals, spices, oils, locally grown honey, nuts of every kind ... pretty much anything a recipe might call for.

Then, to satisfy that salty or sweet tooth, there were treats of every imaginable sort.

Yummy seaweed snack, anyone?

I didn't even cover half this store in my first visit.  I bought corn on the cob, a cantaloupe, a small seedless watermelon, some Vidalia onions, and two sweet potatoes (boring, huh?)   I'm looking forward to going again and picking something exotic to try ... maybe one of those melons.  With some sauteed cactus on the side.

More later --

My favorite part of the day

I was up fairly early this morning and outside for my walk.  We are enjoying a little respite from the typical Memphis heat and humidity and I am enjoying being able to walk outside.  So this morning, once I got off the main thoroughfares, I chose a route down a couple of streets with no sidewalks.  There was very little traffic.  Actually, I only saw one car (which was pulling a big yellow and white ski boat, lucky guy) and one other walker (who was accompanied by two beautiful yellow labs).  I did, however, see a lot of birds and squirrels, and a couple chipmunks. 

I love that route because it is so quiet and peaceful.  Once I get on those side streets, I can hear the birds.  In fact, sometimes the birds are really loud!  This morning I heard a mourning dove ... beautiful.  I can hear my steps, my breathing.  Things just seem to be clearer, more in focus.  I feel centered, alive.  It's the best part of my day. 

Oh, I saw one other memorable thing on my walk this morning, besides the squirrels, birds, ski boat and dogs.  I saw the sign that never fails to make me chuckle, "Please Leave Your Address So My Dog Can Poop On Your Lawn."